On Tuesday, after Mom got off work, I decided to take her down to my favorite little spot on the bay in Montrose. We made it right before the sun started to set and it was absolutely gorgeous. She loved it and I have a feeling she's really looking forward to her future visits.
Naturally we took advantage of the golden hour and got a few photos.
I was originally supposed to head back to Tuscaloosa and get more work done on the house so we can list, but honestly I think a break is what I really need. Everything has been going smoothly, but I can always use a little more time with family. I can also always count on one of them to have something going on that they might need some help with, and I love being here and jumping right in. It's just part of who I am.
My sister-in-law nailed it the other day when she said "you're a passionate person." We'd been talking about the blog and writing and why I do such as this. And that word might have just been the missing puzzle piece to understanding who I am.
For so long, as long as I can remember, I've been very analytical and introspective-- to a fault.
Growing up I really suffered with self-esteem issues and negativity. I'm a perfectionist so I was always beating myself up about my failures and flaws. I wouldn't say I had bad comparison issues (we all have some) but more so always held myself to a certain standard of who I thought I should be all the while knowing exactly who and what I "couldn't" be.
So I had this idea of all the qualities I thought I should have, and when reality set in and slapped me in the face with the obvious, yet again I'd find myself disappointed in who I am. And here I am blogging... putting myself out there by sharing both my thoughts and personal photos.
I have to admit, stepping in front of a camera a few months ago to start documenting memories and blogging was really awkward and felt very unnatural for me. It was a huge setup for now not only me seeing myself in all of my flaws, but everyone else who kept up with this whole thing too. Now everyone could talk about me in whatever way they please. "There's sure to be something they'll find that isn't perfect in any given post." But I knew that my youth can only be looked back at in photos one day when I'm older (hopefully)--maybe showing my kids and grandkids the adventures I'd had and letting them read what I'd had to say about each one. So I sucked it up and got use to it, and though I still fear people thinking I'm vain, I know the truth and continue to do it anyway.
Why? Because its become a form of self love I've had to learn. I've had to learn it's okay to be flawed because God didn't put me on this earth to be perfect. He put me here to be exactly as I am, yet he still gives me control to change a few variables. But I've learned not to try and stray too far from what he has instilled in me. Not to hate my brown eyes, but to accept the extra warmth they lend my face. Not to worry about the things that I can't change about myself physically, and learn to reign in the negatives of my personality traits and use them in a positive way. Also, to recognize and be proud of those traits.
One of those things, possibly the very one word I'd now use to describe myself-- Passion(ate).
Passion is the very thing that pushes me to do the things I do. Some outcomes are great, others I have to be careful with. It's the reason I have only a few really close friends and a strong connection with my family. Being passionate, I only want real and meaningful relationships and like to surround myself with people who genuinely care as much as I do. I use to hate that about myself-- I'd always wished I could make more new friends. It's what drives me in any project I set out on to see it to completion and make sure it's done right. But with that I can also become a bit obsessive and find myself wanting to do whatever it might be right then and there, even if it's at 10 o'clock at night. It often leads to disappointment because of the dreamer that I am. Passion can make those dreams grow really big and expectations high... and once the moments come, we all know that life happens and things often don't go as expected. It also lends in my inconsistency. I fail to have more balance because I'm always searching for the exemplary, in both everyday life and relationships. I can very quickly make up my mind to set a dream aside because it doesn't fulfill those huge expectations I'd dreamed up.
With a passionate personality comes strong will, intense feeling, excitement, determination, selectiveness, non-balance, stubbornness, crave for all things exemplary, and strong bonds.
What I'm saying here is those things I mentioned above... those things I could easily pick out every negative scenario that each trait might get me into. I could reflect on all my failures and blame it on those strong desires I'd had that might've led me to give too much of myself to any one thing. Or I could think about all the good I've done with those qualities and the desire it gives me to care so deeply for others, to always want to help, to feel that theres always a solution and keep innovating until a problem is solved. I could instead be proud of the fact that I pour everything I have into all that I do, whether it turns out better than expected or subpar. I can feel a sense of fulfillment in wanting to encourage others, even if that means sharing a bit more than most do. And I can be confident in who I am because that's who the Lord has made me to be.
It's truly all about your mindset and positivity. You have the power of perspective, so make it a good one. Be proud of all that makes you YOU. There can only be one you. Don't doubt those traits. God put them there for a great reason-- to serve in YOUR PUROSE. That's pretty huge too, that we all have a purpose, and all that you are is meant to lend to it-- physically and mentally. I strongly believe it.